Having 4 or 5 orgasms can really turn your day around.

You know what makes me think I might be gay?  All of the gay sex I have.
Is that gay?

Don't take pickles from strangers.  Lesson learned.

Why does my kitchen smell like ass? I haven't cooked ass in WEEKS!

debt is the new black.

The day really flies by when you don't wake up until 1.

Dream report: Last night, my house was infested with baby dinosaurs. No, it was NOT cool.

Yay, pumpkins! 
Boo, hate crimes!

I love my Post Office lady.  It's like... She GETS me.

The only thing better than 1 Steve Martin is 2 Steve Martins.

It is completely not OK to confuse Jeff Daniels and Jeff Bridges.

It's never a good idea to videotape yourself having sex.  Happy Easter!

a Rainbow is an upsidedown Smile.

I like Raisin Bran for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with my bowels.

The very best gift is a box of cash.

i love all animals.  even the ugly ones.

My great-great grandfather was a beekeeper.

Sometimes I just want to die.
But then other times, I want YOU to die.

Pick your fairy tale.

I don't like Rice Krispies, and I'm not sure why.  Maybe it goes back to that time when Snap, Crackle, and Pop gang raped me.

A rainbow is an upsidedown smile.

After a long day of uncovering government conspiracies, there’s nothing I enjoy more than slipping off these sweaty clothes, and sinking my bare naked body into a hot, steamy bath.

YouTube is the trailer park of the internet.

You, my love, are like a puzzle wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a Pillsbury crescent roll.

Verily, I say unto thee:  potatoes!